why… why… WHY….?

That is the question…. Why have I not been able to post like I swore to myself I would…?

Well, I think I have a better answer now than the one I had been giving myself: "I am obviously flakey." I knew I have long had issues with short-term memory and lack of organization (for about 9 years now), but all the same it has been very frustrating. I know I love organization and remembering things, as silly as that sounds. So why have I had problems doing this, when I know I am not careless or intentionally flakey? I got the answer yesterday.

 I went to see my doc to address some concerns with what I thought was arthritis. I could still have arthritis but after several questions and answers, she pulled her chair up right in front of me and said the dreaded word: fibromyalgia. I really don't want to drone on with how bad it has been, but I would like to mention how amazing it can be when you have been called a hypochondriac for years, and had all sorts of serious physical complaints that people sort of dismiss as due you being lazy and not wanting to exercise.  So, with the divorce going on full-force, and me just getting papers accusing me of freeloading and not wanting to work (never-mind my occasional inability to remember my own birthdate or forgetting half of all appointments I make) I now have something to shove in the face of my adversarial. I did tell my doc how "I didn't want this diagnosis," and had to tell her that all I have heard about it is that people don't believe it is real (other than all in your head) and that aside from this, my "ex" thinks that anything with the words "disorder" or "syndrome" are not real medical conditions. Her reply was "Obviously he is the smartest man in the world." I do love her.

So, as a glass half full sort of person, I am not only relieved, but I think the timing could not be more perfect. On top of that, perhaps I can get better treatment for the extreme fatigue, chronic aches and pains, and inability to stay on task. Not sure if I really do have ADHD and chronic fatigue and anxiety (all of which I have been treated for in the last several years) or if it all falls under fibromyalgia. In fact, I finally went to look it up, and I have every single characteristic of the condition. So, as I will still go to see a rheumatologist for my hands and feet (and an oral cancer specialist for my tongue due to "bruxing" or grinding, which is another symptom of FM) I will try to take things easy, not be hard on myself, and maybe this will help me relax enough to make time for art, which is what I really truly need right now.

Oh, and here are some pictures of my new (free!) couch and chair I got on Craigslist… a beautiful Arts & Crafts mohair set, in nearly perfect condition.
(What in the hell is a "Mo"???)


P.P.S. Please take a look at the first picture in this post, with the side table next to the couch, and see If you can see a better way to position the table. It is TOTALLY bugging me and my 'spacial organization' section of my brain.